Video Transcript

In Cultivate. The Power of Winning Relationships, you will find the answer for how do I move an Adversary, Rival, or Supporter relationship closer to being an Ally – and in doing so, ensure a greater chance of success.

(0:27) I created the Relationship Ecosystem to help get past “He’s a jerk”, “She’s my best friend”, and then this gray area in between. What the relationship ecosystem helps you to do is to diagnose the health of your professional relationships.

In the book Cultivate. The Power of Winning Relationships, I go into a lot more detail – certainly around the outer elements – communication, culture, and context – but for right now I want to focus on the heart of the model about the four relationship dynamics that you may be experiencing in your professional relationships at work.

(1:00) You’ll notice when you look at the diagram, that I have two continuums: conditional and unconditional, and me to we. Let me give you an example of what I mean when we talk about the four relationship dynamics.

(1:15) At the heart of the model is “First Contact”. This is when we first get together, either as strangers or maybe we have been introduced by a mutual contact. And my premise is that in that first contact, that first meeting, we are on our best behavior. It’s almost like first date behavior. You put on your best jacket, a little bit of lipstick (if that is your wont) and we’re waiting to see how our roles are going to intersect.

(1:38) Then, at some point the nature of the relationship changes. My hope is that we become Allies – an unconditional relationship that is focused on “we”. What do I mean by that?

Well, a true Ally is someone who has your back no matter what. It’s easy to be an Ally on the good days. The true Ally is unconditional in that they are with you even in the tough times. That’s the unconditional nature of an Ally. And the “we” focus – being an Ally, it’s not about me, it’s about you, and more importantly it’s about us. It’s how can I help you to be successful, and how can we succeed together?

(2:17) The Supporter relationship can masquerade as an Ally. I describe it in the book as insidious. You might have to look up the word up in the dictionary. I know I checked before I used it, but it really does describe the risk that we have when we only have a network of Supporters.

Because, while Supporters are fun to work with, they are conditional in that when the going gets tough they are nowhere to be seen. So on the good days, it’s “Yeah Morag! Go for it!” but when I ask for help, suddenly there’s radio silence. And it’s at that point of vulnerability, when I need support the most – that to then discover I have a Supporter and not an Ally can most undermine our credibility and our reputation.

(3:00) Let’s move over to the left hand side of the model. Rivals. Now, Rivals can be a little bit more competitive, maybe there is some elbow jockeying and bruising that’s going on. They are conditional in nature because a Rival can be for you when it suits their agenda, but you may find that they’re against you when it doesn’t. So, it’s a “me” focus – it’s their agenda that is driving behavior.

And if you have ever walked to a meeting with a Rival thinking about “What are they going to say first?” and “If they say this, I’m going to do that”, preparing your defense or your attack, then you are not focused on the business decision at hand and ultimately, performance suffers.

(3:42) And this brings us to the final relationship dynamic, the Adversary. There are two forms of Adversary – the overt (you know who they are) and the covert (you just know something is up, you just don’t know who or where). And that’s why you need to have Allies, people who have got your back, and can help direct you to where there may be misunderstandings and conflict, and more importantly help you to manage through it.

(4:06) Because with an Adversary relationship, it’s “unconditional”. They are out to get you no matter what. Now, that’s not to say that an Adversary gets up in the morning, and their first train of thought is “How can I be mean to Morag today?” Sometimes, you will find that an Adversary is behaving in a way that they don’t even recognize or realize the impact of their behaviors.

(4:30) And this is critical, because in describing the four relationship dynamics (Ally, Supporter, Rival, and Adversary), my intent is not to label the person, but to look at the behaviors and the dynamics that you are experiencing and help you to find a way forward.(4:47) Because you are not a victim. You have created these relationships through action or inaction. And in Cultivate. The Power of Winning Relationships, you’ll find the answer that helps you to move Adversary, Rivals, and Supporters (if you have them) closer to becoming your Allies.